There's a growing stack of political fliers on the end table next to my recliner, and I've read every one of them...
So you don't have to.
Twenty seven of them have landed in my mailbox so far, in full color, rife with handsome photographs of current and wanna-be lawmakers, shots of the Tetons, and full of swell promises to Wyoming voters.
They're all from Republican candidates, because no Democrat in his or her or their right mind would waste postage on me.
The mail has been dominated by one candidate – Steve Friess, who is running for the U.S. House seat currently held by Harriet Hageman. Keeping up with Friess's mailers is like taking a sip out of a fire hose.
Of the 27 fliers I've gotten, 14 of them are from Friess. I'm getting about one a day. They lay out his background in business and politics, what he wants to do if elected, and displaying the best head of hair I've seen in years.
The closest competitor in number of mailers is Friess opponent Chuck Gray, who has sent me three fliers, dubbing himself a “MAGA Warrior” in the race to replace Hageman (who is a MAGA Warrior herself, and is running for the Senate).
I've gotten three fliers from conservative Frank Chapman, who is also running for the Hageman seat, but who isn't the other Frank Chapman many of us remember, who used to debate conservative Dallas Laird on KTWO.
A recurring theme in all of these fliers is a promise, if elected, to go back there to Washington and fight like a mother badger protecting her young, to beat some Wyoming sense into the other 434 members of the House, especially the Democrats.
This Frank Chapman sent a flier showing boxing gloves, and vowing to “put on the gloves and get the job done for Wyoming.” He's “red blooded,” and will “fight back when D.C. steps out of line.”
Friess also sent a flier showing boxing gloves, promising to duke it out with China until we're energy dominant.
It's a feisty bunch, vowing to open up a can of whoop... (you know) if we send them to Washington. As they say in Oklahoma, they promise to go back there and tell the Washington elites “how the cow ate the cabbage.”
Chapman mentions fighting six times, Friess five times, Gray three times, and Hageman three times. David Giralt – who sent me one flier in his bid for that House seat – is a former Army Ranger and Bronze Star winner who promises to be a “Wyoming First Fighter.”
All these candidates promise to knock things over and break furniture in Washington if we elect them.
Pretty long odds, though – 434 to one.
Almost all of these candidates promise to cut waste, deliver results, stand with Trump, defend our freedoms, “unleash” energy, defend the Second Amendment, and deport illegals, although some would just deport “criminal illegals,” which is confusing because being here illegally puts you over on the criminal side of the fence, if you ask me. (I know, I know. You didn't.)
Chapman features six cowboy hats in his fliers. Friess tops that with seven, but only on the heads of other people. (If I had that head of hair, I wouldn't wear a hat either.) Friess is following the policy of President John F. Kennedy to never be photographed in a strange hat. Michael Dukakis learned that lesson the hard way, in a helmet that made him look like Snoopy.
There are lots of pictures of Trump in these fliers, with Gray showing Trump six times, Friess five times, and Hageman once. Giralt's flier tells us he's endorsed by Motor City Madman Ted Nugent, which is absolutely refreshing.
The Tetons show up in a lot of these fliers, and that's kind of funny because Teton County is Wyoming's Mecca for Democrats. Republicans hanging out up there might lose the conservative lead in their pencils.
Giralt, again going against the grain, shows himself standing in front of what looks suspiciously like Medicine Bow Peak.
And in a clear case of geologic appropriation, two candidates running for the Wyoming State Senate in my eastern Laramie County district - Senate District 6 - Taft Love and Roy Birt, both show themselves standing in front of the Tetons.
(!)
Trust me on this, friends.
You can't see the Tetons from Cheyenne.
Dave Simpson can be contacted at DaveSimpson145@hotmail.com
