When a party to an argument resorts to name-calling, it is usually a sign they have misplaced the facts somewhere between outrage and the send button.
The far-right wing of the Republican party, when confronted with opposing opinions, has resorted to the limited vocabulary of labeling “RINOs” or “Democrats” (much to the chagrin of real rhinoceroses and Democrats).
Apparently, once the sacred word “RINO” is hurled into the air, the argument is over. Facts are no longer required. Evidence is dismissed. Logic is excused from the premises.
The speaker may then retire triumphantly to Facebook, where a dozen people named “Patriot1776” will applaud the performance.
This column is a plea to step up their name-calling game.
If you are losing an argument on the facts, at least lose the argument in style.
In his 1897 masterpiece, Cyrano de Bergerac, Edmond Rostand wrote one of literature's most brilliant responses to gutter name calling tactics.
The main character, Cyrano, a poet, is told by an opponent: "Your nose is very big." Cyrano is not offended by the insult, but by its laziness. He proceeds to share better insults.
Jose Ferrer won a Best Actor for his 1950 performance of Cyrano. Steve Martin offered a modernized version in Roxanne.
Instead of political pundits sitting in front of their computers in the middle of the night in their underwear, anonymously pounding “RINO or Closet Democrat” for the thousandth time, put on some pajamas and try to step up your game.
With my apologies to Rostand, and to literature generally, here are some more clever things you might say about my column.
If you wanted to be aggressive, you might say: "Sir, if I wrote such a column, I'd delete it, bury the laptop and move to Tierra Del Fuego under an assumed name!"
Friendly: "It must annoy you when your readers fall asleep before the second paragraph. You really should have a specially shaped pillow designed for them!"
Descriptive: "'Tis a ramble, pettifoggery, a tangent, a complete circumnavigation of the point!"
Curious: "What is the purpose of that enormous word count? Do you charge by the word?"
Gracious: "Oh, how you must love the truth! You have shared none and keep it all for yourself.”
Hostile: "When you submit your copy and the editor's screams escape the newsroom, the neighbors must think the building's on fire!"
Considerate: "When you write your headline, keep your thesis somewhere nearby, else your readers may never find it!"
Tender: "Oh, someone please get this man a fact-checker, else his reputation might fade still further in the sun!"
Pedantic: "Only such a publication as one staffed entirely by those completely ignorant of the real world could have printed such a vast accumulation of recycled opinions and borrowed conclusions beneath a byline!"
Flippant: "What a fashionable place to put your unsolicited opinions!"
Emphatic: "No deadline but the end of the earth would be urgent enough to make you get to the point, oh majestic windbag!"
Dramatic: "When he writes a column, 5000 lilies die!"
Admiring: "Oh, what a perfect advertisement for the merits of brevity!"
Lyrical: "Is that a column? And you, a writer?"
Miller-esque: "That opinion is not worth a quart of skim piss."
Symons-like: “That column is two standard deviations away from intelligent.”
Rustic: "Is that thing a column? No, it must be a hay wagon, or a prize-winning crop of manure!"
Military: "Aim that prose at the enemy and bore them into submission!"
Practical: "Submit it to the sleep clinic! I'm sure it would be their most effective treatment!"
Cyrano concludes: “All of these things you might have said, if you were a man of wit and letters in the slightest. But, sadly, of wit you never had an atom, and of letters you have only three—and they spell A-S-S!”
Now, before anyone writes to complain, let me clarify.
"ASS" is not a pejorative. It is a behavioral classification.
It describes a person who is too lazy to look up the facts, too impatient to consider an opposing viewpoint, and too confident to recognize either deficiency.
Such a person can often be identified by the bluish glow of a computer monitor reflecting off their face sometime around 1:47 a.m. as they compose a comment beginning with the phrase, "Well actually..."
So, my anonymous friends, sharpen your pencils.
If you must hurl insults into the electronic ether, at least make them clever.
Research the facts. Construct an argument. Employ a metaphor.
And for heaven’s sake, stop making rhinoceroses look bad.
Tom Lubnau served in the Wyoming Legislature from 2004 to 2015 and is a former Speaker of the House. He can be reached at: YourInputAppreciated@gmail.com
