Every election season, we in the Cowboy State are confronted with hordes of political hopefuls who can’t think of anything better to do with their noggins than shove them into cowboy hats. The result is all too often an egregious abuse of this form of political speech.
Nothing says “dude” or “drugstore” more than a politician wearing a hat that makes them look they are cos-playing. So please consider this screed as a helpful primer on the proper wearing of a cowboy hat – a Stetsons for Dummies, if you will.
First, the venerable cowboy hat was invented as accouterments for working trail hands, to keep the sun and rain off their faces while they worked cattle. Beginning with John B. Stetson’s utilitarian “Boss of the Plains” model of 1865, the cowboy hat morphed into a value-laden symbol of haberdashery embraced by presidents, rock stars and Hollywood. But it began as a work tool.
So, rule #1 for politicians is this – if you aren’t willing to do the work, don’t wear the goddam hat. Sweat stains speak volumes.
About that symbology. The cowboy hat evokes the aesthetic of western virtues (and you can fill in your own blanks about what that means), and cowboys who embody them.
That brings us to rule #2 for politicians – if your heart ain’t right, don’t try to conceal that fact under a Stetson.
Cowboy hats come in all shapes and colors, but the lingua franca is a silverbelly Stetson with a 5-inch brim and a cattleman’s crease made from good beaver felt. You can try wearing a garish wide-brimmed lid with a high-domed open crown and feathered hatband, or a glittery spray-painted straw monstrosity bought under the stands at Frontier Days, but you’ll just look like a dork.
A black hat with a flat crown will make folks think that you’re a truck driver or a top forty pop country singer. It will broil your brain on a hot day. Also, movie bad guys wear black hats. Stick with something conservative and understated..
Rule #3 for politicians – if the hat you wear scalds your scalp or makes people snicker at you, don’t wear the hat.
I use the term “Stetson” as a synechdoche for all things cowboy hat, because that brand is the Rolls Royce of headwear. And the best place in the known world to buy a Stetson is Paris Hatters, in San Antonio, on Broadway across from Travis Park. Abe Cortez, the proprietor, has sold Stetsons to popes, politicians and famous jocks. He’ll try his damnedest to talk you out of buying something that will make you look dorky.
I’ve owned half a dozen Stetsons from Paris Hatters – from an ostentatious Tom Mix style with a rodeo pinch crown to an understated Open Road, the choice of presidents and hipster Americana singer/songwriters– and I have no complaints. I like to iron the thumb-rolled and taped-edge brim of an Open Road flat, and block the crown out into a Montana Peak, one of the more ancient shapes for a cowboy hat.
A word about brims. The front brim of a cowboy hat should be curvilinear, not straight as a razor or a ruler. It should make the horizon convex to your eye, the sky should dip downward. Like a Dwight Yoakam or Chris LeDoux Stetson.
Politician’s Rule #4 – be more like Dwight Yoakam or Chris LeDoux, less like Kid Rock.
The “straw vs. felt” debate rages on, but I’ve settled it in my own mind by refusing to wear a hat made of something that my horse could eat. Politicians are left to decide for themselves on this conundrum.
“X” in cowboy hat nomenclature once meant the percentage of beaver fur in the felt, each X denoting ten percent. Madison Avenue has rendered “X” just another meaningless letter, as a rich dude can buy a 100X (do the math) hat if he has the cash. Forget the alphabet, and just get a hat that holds its shape in a stead drizzle.
Finally, there are three chiseled-in-stone laws regarding cowboy hats. Only three. Always set a hat down on the crown, never set a hat on a bed (or someone will die) and always remove your hat when dining with a lady.
If a Wyoming politician can’t commit to at least 80% of the above platform but still craves a modicum of cowboy credibility, they should just buy a King Ropes ball cap and call it good. Here endeth the lesson.
Rod Miller can be reached at RodsMillerWyo@yahoo.com
