By Dave Simpson, columnist
I ate oyster soup on New Years Day, because that’s supposed to bring good luck.
A fat lot of good it did us.
Next year I’ll try black-eyed peas. I hear they might bring good luck, too. They have to get better results than the oysters.
A moment of silence please for those who thought 2021 simply had to be better than 2020. The poor dears have to be standing out on a ledge about now, ready to jump.
Let’s touch some bases:
– Answer me this: Who paid for those “Biden Please Let Us In” t-shirts that many of the people streaming toward our southern border are wearing? Is there a bargain t-shirt shop somewhere along the route to the United States?
Or is someone here – in need of cheap labor, or democrat votes – giving those shirts away?
Tell folks that our new president is against a border wall, for amnesty, and against deportations, and many will head our way. You’d think the new administration – self-dubbed “the adults in the room” – would have figured that out.
After $1.9 trillion was appropriated for Covid relief without a single Republican vote, and now that chain link and razor wire surround our Capitol, shouldn’t Republicans be the ones asking, “Biden, Please Let Us In?”
– We have been protected in recent weeks from Peter Pan, Dumbo, Dr. Seuss, Yosemite Sam, The Muppets, and Mr. Potato Head. Who cares about China, Russia and open borders when innocent children could be subjected to The Muppets? (Those two grouchy guys in the balcony look like Republicans. Clearly something had to be done.)
Gender sensitivity led the makers of Mr. Potato Head to drop the “Mr.” So now, a Potato Head can be either male or female, which should be obvious when looking at members of Congress. Plenty of Potato Heads of both genders in that bag of spuds.
– How far do we take this “equity” deal that our liberal pals keep talking about? If someday Bill Gates still has a bigger house than I do, have we really achieved equity? At what point do we confiscate his house and give some of it to me? Answer me that, Bullwinkle.
Equal opportunity is the goal, not equal outcomes. I like the idea that my little grand daughters might someday do great things, and have big houses like Bill Gates has.
– I’m old enough to remember when President Gerald Ford fell down the stairs from Air Force One, and how “Saturday Night Live” made fun of him. Ford was a college football player, maybe our most athletic president, but he was depicted mercilessly as a klutz. You can make the case that it helped launch Chevy Chase’s career.
At least Ford fell while going DOWN the stairs, unlike Joe Biden, who fell three times last week going UP the stairs to Air Force One.
We’ll see if Democrat Biden becomes the joke they made of Republican Ford. Don’t bet on it.
– Passage of the $1.9 trillion Covid bill in Congress reminds me of a bumper sticker I once saw: “Whatever You Do, Don’t Tell Them What Comes After A Trillion!”
Our country has managed to balance its annual budget just four times in the 50 years since I graduated from high school. Talk about Potato Heads.
– Normally, I wouldn’t make fun of a guy for a slip of the tongue. I’ve said here that guys my age, much less Biden’s age, aren’t as quick on the download as they once were, and should be enjoying cups of senior discount coffee at McDonalds, with other geezers.
But, some guys just have to be the leader of the free world. So, if they keep the nuclear launch codes close at hand, it’s OK to ask if they’re still in possession of all their marbles.
So, when President Biden called Vice President Kamala Harris PRESIDENT Harris last week, and couldn’t remember the name of his defense secretary the week before, it was OK to notice.
Imagine what our pals in the media would have done if Donald Trump had made those mistakes.
Or if he fell three times in one trip up the stairs to Air Force One.
Dave Simpson can be contacted at email@example.com