By Rod Miller, Columnist
Frank “Oral” Eathorne, Chairman
Drugstore, Wyoming 8200.5
You are such a nincompoop! You must enjoy satirists poking fun at you, because you hand-deliver to us so much irresistible material. You are truly low-hanging fruit for anyone who wants to ridicule you or your version of the Wyoming Republican Party.
Where to begin? How about you and the simpering sycophants in your star chamber “state central committee” condemning Sen. Lummis for standing up for the rights of free-thinking adults to marry anyone they damn well please? Yeah, let’s start there.
It is puzzling that out of one side of your mouth, you and your acolytes spout off about personal freedom, yet want to deny those freedoms to citizens in Wyoming who want to marry someone who doesn’t meet with your approval. See the irony, Oral?
What’s next, arranged marriages? Wyoming’s own Nuremberg Law for matrimony to keep the Aryan blood pure? Honor killings in the Cowboy State, a la Sharia? Do you see the corner you’re painting yourself into?
And a “condemnation?” Really? Someone hell-bent on satirizing you would call that nothing more than the petulant whining of a pissed-off toddler who didn’t get his way. Do your fists hurt from pounding the floor during your hissy fits?
But wait, there’s more! During your diatribe on House Bill 7, you invoked the sanctity of the “Estate of Holy Matrimony.” Regardless of where one comes down on the topic of old geezers marrying Lolitas, the irony of those words coming out of your mouth is lost on nobody except your faithful butt-kissers.
Oral, I’m not alone in chuckling when someone like you tries to occupy the moral high ground.
For someone who got his nickname “Briefly Oral” for getting an extra-marital blowjob in the back seat of his squad car; whose wife dumped him for serial infidelities; and who got kicked off the family ranch and is living in town with his girlfriend du jour to preach morality to anyone is irony of the first order.
Next, let’s take a peek at the letter you sent to GOP County Central Committee members, of which I am one in Laramie County.
Again, you speak from both sides of your mouth (but then Oral is your name, after all). You praise the “strength of our grassroots” out of one side, then call upon the grassroots to rise up against their grassroots county leadership out of the other side, just because a couple of country organizations don’t buy into your bullshit.
Throughout your tenure as chairman, you and your followers have tried to reduce our party to lock-step zombies who are expected to follow top-down dictates instead of thinking for themselves. Your authoritarian streak is showing, and it looks a lot more like Mao than it does Goldwater.
I guess the next thing we should expect is guest editorials or letters to the editor in Wyoming newspapers where you and your servants in the State Central Committee harangue about how the grassroots disrespect you.
So, I’m returning your letter to you – neatly rolled up and coated with axle grease. You can stick it where it will do the most good.
You, sir, are rapidly transforming yourself from the superhero of the Wyoming Republican Men’s Full Gospel Gun & Glee Club into the poster boy for moral turpitude and hypocrisy.
In closing I’ll remind you, Oral, that I’ve been a Republican longer than you have. And I’ve seen state chairmen who exhibited all the Republican qualities that you lack, and who have made of the party that you are trying to destroy a proud political organization that has served the Cowboy State well throughout our history.
So I’ll gladly dance on your coffee table and tell the world that you, Oral, don’t amount to a gnat on Bud Brimmer’s butt and you ain’t worthy to carry Jack Speight’s jockstrap.
But don’t stop being you! I’m always eager for new column fodder.