By Clair McFarland, Cowboy State Daily
Avoid fish pizza, dragon-fruit guacamole and roasted warthog at all costs.
These are the warnings of the first graders at Powell’s Southside Elementary School, who informed Cowboy State Daily on Thursday that the world is full of terrible foods.
Maggy, a girl in Mrs. Phoebe Cox’s first grade class, said broccoli pop tarts don’t exist. But only someone who wants to watch society retch would ever make them.
Maggy’s classmate Jack said it’s a bad idea to mix every food in the world together. He also advised against going to jail, because people in jail have to eat disgusting oatmeal.
Diego, a boy in Mrs. Cox’s class, said the three foods that should not be mixed are dragon fruit, oranges and guacamole. Also, don’t use a pencil to stir them in a giant cauldron. There would be digestive consequences.
Diego’s classmate Hazen said fish are fine, as long as people will keep ketchup and mayonnaise off them. The same goes for pizza.
Hazen hates pork, except for bacon, which is a mass of deliciousness merely masquerading as pork.
Diego said there might be a misunderstanding.
“I think he’s talking about warthog pork,” said Diego. “It would be dis-GUST-ing.”
“No, I’m thinking of, like, pork tacos,” insisted Hazen. “I don’t like any of that.”
Diego became the latest in a long line of interviewees who wish reporters would focus on lighter themes.
“You can make a story about the BEST food we’ve ever tasted,” he said.
The best foods in the world are: “Cake! Spaghetti, alfredo and pizza,” said Diego while leaning back, half-closing his eyes and rubbing his belly. “Yum, yum, yummmm!”
Hazen also loves spaghetti and alfredo.
Diego said it’s easy to love both foods because “they’re cousins!”
Tacos are one of the best foods in the world, said Hazen, unless some silly person puts pork in them.
Diego slipped into a Mexican accent to give a brief ode to tacos.
“My sister gets only cheese on her tacos, I get only meat,” he rhapsodized.
“What is wrong with your voice?” asked Hazen.
Then Diego switched to an Italian accent: “And a-pizzaaaa.”
Hogan, another boy in first grade, said for his birthday he enjoyed a doughnut with an “H” on it. But it wasn’t a chocolate doughnut because Hogan hates chocolate.
‘Tastes Like Smushy Puke’
Sometimes a person can muscle down terrible food by smothering it in good food.
Jacob, a boy in the class, said he would love chocolate-covered broccoli. His classmate Fynnlee said she would never try that – it’s just not worth it.
Hunter, another boy in the class, said he’d eat a fish with ice cream on it, even though fish are one of the worst foods in the world. Fynnlee, Jacob and Colten also hoped to warn Wyomingites about the grossness of fish.
It was during these crucial discussions that Hunter had to excuse himself because he noticed that his shoe was not double-tied.
Mikyah, a girl in Mrs. Cox’s class, said she loves fish but hates fish sticks.
She said tomatoes are also suspicious fare because they taste “like smushy puke.”
Mikyah’s classmate Nolan said one day he was so hungry he ate leaves, and they were gross.
Two more girls in class, Jasmine and Lily, said they are not picky eaters, which may be a record achievement for the first-grade demographic.