Rod Miller: A Guide to Post-Election Etiquette for Drugstore Candidates

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By Rod Miller, columnist

If you have lived in Wyoming for an appreciable amount of time, you already know how a certified cowgirl or cowboy would respond to losing (or winning, for that matter) an election. Just like they’d respond to any other loss or win in life. Graciously. Stoic. With humility and class.

That said, here is a guide for the drugstore candidates who are in political campaigns this season, and for the drugstore cowgirls and cowboys who are in their posses. Pay attention, there’ll be a test on this material on Aug. 17.

If you are a drugstore candidate and you lose your primary, then your course is clear. The path has been laid out for you by everyone involved in the Big Lie, from Trump on down through the ranks. Here’s what you do.

(1) Lie. Rant and rave that you lost because the election was stolen from you. You don’t need to back that up, just say it loud enough. Blame Soros, or the CIA, or the Tri-Lateral Commission…blame anyone but yourself for running an inept campaign. Lie.

(2) Cast doubt on the process. Demand that the results of the election need to be audited and hand-counted by, say the Park County Full Gospel Gun & Glee Club, or some other equally qualified entity. Spout off about how the drop boxes have been stuffed with ballots harvested by (fill in the blank).

(3) Repeat Step 1.

(4) Call for help. Get some national figure to come out and say how you were robbed. For instance, if the Pillow Guy put his arm around, you and told folks what a great patriot you really are, they’d listen. Right? Or at least you’d sleep better.

(5) Accuse your opponent of cheating. If anyone asks for proof, just say “the fact that I lost is all the proof you need”. Mention Ray Epps. The context doesn’t matter, just get that name out there. Pitch a tantrum, cry, pout and hold your breath ‘til you turn blue. Pretty soon, everybody will realize that you really were cheated.

In short, if you lose, act like a drugstore cowboy, not a real cowboy.

Now if you win, the rules are just as simple. Here is how a drugstore candidate should behave after winning an election.

(1) Gloat. Pound your chest and flex your guns Preach that you have been vindicated. Take a bunch of post-election photos that display your own personal glory. Flags are mandatory.

(2) Call all your opponents, regardless of party, losers. Begin your re-election campaign now by slinging mud at anyone who might be a future political threat.

(3) Even if you won a squeaker, call it a landslide. Use the Loser’s Step One above.

(4) Start looking at higher office, and get some feelers out. After all, if folks voted for you in a County Commissioner race, you’ll probably make a great president. Work on that, instead of fixing the roads in your county.

(5) Forget that Roman generals, riding in a Triumph to celebrate a victory, by law had to have a page riding in their chariot during the parade, constantly reminding the general that, “all glory is fleeting”.

To recap, whether you win or lose as a drugstore candidate, don’t behave like a real Wyoming cowboy or cowgirl. Act like the cheap drugstore imitation that you are, because it really is that obvious.

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