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Mark Jenkins

Thanksgiving: How To Talk Nice

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By Mark Jenkins, guest columnist

Thanksgiving dinner. Eating is over, pontificating begins.  Uncle Lou, drink in hand, is about to impart bizarre misinformation he found dropping down a rabbit hole.

He does this every Thanksgiving. His pomposity makes it appear, which is his unspoken intent, that every word coming out of his mouth is the truth. Style trumps substance with Uncle Lou, though. It’s all true just because he’s saying it.

Everyone is getting uncomfortable, unconsciously frowning, but thank God relief is on the way: dessert. Apple pie and ice cream and everyone’s smiling again.

So goes the trope, not the reality. A 2017 Harris poll found that 47% of Americans avoid discussing politics at all costs during the holidays.

If a heated debate erupts, 48% of people will try to change the subject, 43% will attempt to persuade everyone not to talk politics at the dinner table and 10% will just drink more.

Talking nice has become more difficult as our country has become more polarized.

People are listening less and shouting more. Most folks don’t enjoy confrontational conversations.

And yet, completely avoiding political discourse is not a path toward understanding, let alone compromise and mutual solutions. What to do? A little evolutionary psychology might help.

The human species in its current form, homo sapiens sapiens, has only been around for 300,000 years. For 99% of our existence, we have lived in small clans, 10-20 people.

Cooperation was paramount for survival. We had to get along and sharing the same belief system was fundamental. We are hardwired to be tribal.

Studies have found that we humans, because of our evolution as an extremely social animal, are afflicted with three cognitive shortcomings:

  1. Confirmation Bias: We tend to believe information, and the people that deliver it, when it confirms our own belief system. Conversely, we tend to ignore information (even if it is based on solid evidence) that contradicts our personal belief system.
  2. Motivated Reasoning: We accept what we want to believe with little self-questioning analysis, but scrutinize what we don’t want to believe, trying to find rationalizations for our own position.
  3. Cognitive Dissonance: humans struggle when trying to hold two opposing positions in their minds. This internal conflict is almost always resolved by siding with your tribe. Emotion, rather than evidence, underlies so many of our decisions.

Everyone from The Atlantic to the New York Times has written about how to have constructive political conversations. Here’s what I’ve learned, although I must admit I often don’t live up to these suggestions.

First, if you’re engaging in a political conversation in order to convince someone to change their minds, forget it.

This will only cause cognitive dissonance and push them deeper into their own worldview. People who are put on the defensive almost always double down on their convictions.

If you’re threatening their belief system, you’re threatening their tribe.

Don’t pre-judge what your fellow conversationalist will say. Enter the conversation with an open heart and a desire to listen. Listen, listen, listen.

If you don’t understand something, ask questions without inserting your opinion.

If something is said that you find untruthful, you have the obligation to say so, but how and when you say something matters. Rather than lunging instantly like a guard dog, let them finish their thought.

Then you can respond with something like, “From my perspective, I disagree with your position but I understand where you’re coming from.” If you’ve really been listening, you should know why they believe what they believe.

Then it’s your turn to speak. Explain your position clearly and humbly. Nobody likes a blowhard.

Being judgmental or condescending will inevitably enrage  your fellow human. Be respectful.

Being pedantic is petty, being educational is insulting and relying on personal attacks, rather than cogent, evidence-based argument, is undignified. Personally insulting someone is a sure way to end the discussion.

When the conversation gets heated, don’t throw up your hands and walk away. Instead, be aware of yourself. Know that your buttons are being pushed, recognize the anxiety it may be causing, and consciously remain calm.

Finally, search for where your ideas and their ideas can meet. Try to remember we are all in this together. We all live on the same planet and must share the same resources, drink the same water, breathe the same air. We must find common ground to co-exist.

Jenkins is a Resident Scholar Wyoming Humanities

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Mark Jenkins: On Sept. 6, Louisa Swain Cast First Ballot By A Woman – In Laramie

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By Mark Jenkins, resident scholar, Wyoming Humanities 

Wyoming is rightfully proud to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Nineteenth Amendment, in which women won the right to vote, as well as the 150th anniversary of the first woman in history to cast a vote, an event that happened right here in Wyoming. 

In 1870 the Wyoming Territorial Legislature passed the Suffrage Act, and on September 6, 1870, in Laramie, wearing shawl and bonnet, Louisa Swain, 69, cast the first ballot by any women in the United States in a general election. 

The women’s movement began a generation earlier when Elizabeth Cady Stanton, a fierce abolitionist, boldly organized “The First Convention Ever Called to Discuss the Civil and Political Rights of Women,” in July of 1848 in Seneca Falls, New York.

As a child, Stanton had been traumatized by fire-and-brimstone preachers, but by adulthood “religious superstitions gave place to rational ideas based on scientific facts.” Stanton subsequently renounced religion, “all religions on the face of the earth degrade women, and so long as a woman accepts the position that they assign her, her emancipation is impossible.” 

Stanton joined forces with Susan B. Anthony in the 1850s and together they fought shoulder-to-shoulder against misogyny and racial discrimination for the next five decades. They founded the Women’s Loyal National League in 1863, the American Equal Rights Association in 1868, and the National Woman Suffrage Association in 1869. In 1872, Anthony was summarily arrested for voting in her hometown of Rochester, New York. 

The following year she wrote “… this oligarchy of sex, which makes men of every household sovereigns, masters; the women subjects, slaves—carrying dissension and rebellion into every home of the Nation—cannot be endured.” Alas, endure it did. 

A decade earlier, in 1863, President Lincoln had ended his Gettysburg Address with … “that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish.”

At that time, perhaps as many as 75% of American citizens were disenfranchised—all blacks, all Native Americans, all Chinese and Japanese Americans, and all women of any heritage. The Fifteenth Amendment, ratified in 1870, gave men of all colors the right to vote, but women were left behind. 

Both Stanton and Anthony died before the tide finally turned. Immigrant women, black women, working women and educated white women joined forces and demanded change. Suffrage was first won across Western states and, in 1920, the Nineteenth Amendment was finally ratified.  

However, it wasn’t until the second wave of the women’s movement, in the 1960’s, with the passage of the Equal Pay Act of 1963, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965, that the power of the female electorate began to change politics. The Voting Rights Act, in particular, finally gave black women and Native American women the opportunity to vote, curtailing (but not successfully eliminating) voter suppression tactics such as ID requirements, literacy tests and poll taxes. 

And yet, 50 years later, a woman in Wyoming  makes 70 cents for every dollar that a man makes—Wyoming is ranked 50th in the pay gender gap. Women represent only 12% of the top-paid executives in the S&P 500. Only 23% of the 535 seats in Congress are held by women, and only 15% of the 90 seats in the Wyoming legislature. 

The 100th anniversary of the 19th Amendment is a landmark in women’s rights, but it represents not the end of the fight, but the beginning.  

“There never will be complete equality until women themselves help to make laws and elect lawmakers”—Susan B. Anthony. 

Wyoming Humanities is sponsoring suffrage programs and events throughout the month.  Find more information along with suffrage resources to read, watch, listen and celebrate on our website

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