Blood pressures are reaching a boiling point everywhere you look: rants on social media; local, state, and national politics with unnavigable chasms; and family members who can no longer enjoy a meal together.
In his book, “Love Your Enemies,” Arthur Brooks lays out the cost of contempt on our health and happiness. He suggests that being in a constant state of stress, cortisol response, and hate fuels many negative health outcomes—increased levels of anxiety and depression, dysfunctional sleep patterns, and a highly compromised immune system just to name a few. One study found that being around toxic relationships has the same impact on your immune system as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.
This kind of contempt is no longer reserved for just the exceedingly political types and ideological zealots. The average person today will see something on their phone that spikes their cortisol level before they even get out of bed. And those sworn enemies are often tucking them into bed with blind rage each night. I’m no doctor, but this addiction to contempt is probably worse for us than daily bacon for breakfast with your family and a bourbon nightcap with friends.
Are we even capable of open dialogue and relationships that span opinions beyond our own? I have seen the answer first-hand in my job of running Leadership Wyoming. And that answer is yes.
Every August a group of 40 strangers show up from different Wyoming towns, industries, political views, and life experiences. At first glance there is more that divides than unites them. After several months of traveling the state to learn about issues, communities, and leadership, they emerge as something that very closely resembles a family.
This year’s Leadership Wyoming class adopted the phrase “With You” early in their journey. It doesn’t mean “I agree with you always” or “I’ll vote the same way you do” or even “I will never challenge your perspectives.” What it does mean is that these 40 individuals will support each other through life’s rollercoaster of joy, grief, silliness, disappointment, and success.
In his book “Falling Upward”, Richard Rohr argues that many great leaders grew up in an environment with one adult figure who offered unconditional love and another figure who offered conditional love. The challenge for leaders today is that almost all love around them is conditional. “You don’t share my beliefs?” I have no use for you….”I can’t have my way?” You are evil. And on and on it goes.
Programs like Leadership Wyoming remind us that the human spirit actually does prefer to give and receive unconditional love. For starters, it’s much simpler to keep track of how you are supposed to feel and act towards everyone…with kindness and warmth.
Arthur Brooks points out that hate is an active emotion, and it takes intention to keep fanning its flame. It should not shock us that news cycles and social media have learned how to capitalize on this reality.
Committing to hold a friend, family member, or neighbor in a place of high regard is also hard. It means you have to put enough intention and effort into the relationship to endure the winds of conflict, differing perspectives, and even indifference.
Holding on to hate is hard. Tending to relationships is hard. You must choose your hard.
If you would like to break the cycle of contempt in your own life, or just help keep it at bay, I offer a few simple suggestions.
1. As often as possible, eat a meal or get a drink with people who you don’t completely agree with. Commit to really listening to their perspective and their values as they talk about life.
2. Remember that most of us cannot reconsider more than 5% of our perspective or knowledge base at one time (also from Rohr’s book Falling Upward). You must be as curious and open as you are persuasive. And remember, common ground is often found in the margins before it is found in the heart of an issue.
3. If you start to feel hate or contempt, treat it like a weather system that will pass. The longer you try to cling to the grey cloud, the more it will rain on you.
4. Consider signing up for one of three Leadership Wyoming programs currently offered with various levels of time commitment. After 25 years and over 1,000 Wyoming graduates, I can honestly say that Leadership Wyoming has proven its worth in creating meaningful connections and pushing back on contempt.
Contempt is a self-inflicted wound on ourselves and our communities. But it doesn’t have to be. At any point you can choose to change course. Slowly you can untangle yourself form old habits that no longer serve you or align with your values. And you might just find that you sleep a little better, you can fend off that nasty cold going around, and the world around you just looks a little brighter. The choice is up to you.
