The guy seemed pretty wonderful on the surface. He said and did all the right things.
He had “all the bells and whistles,” as S.P. put it.
S.P., a Wyoming woman who had been hoping to make a connection online, had met the New York man on a dating website. He was planning to move to the Cowboy State within five months, making their connection seem like an even more of a perfect match, she thought.
The two exchanged photos and phone calls, and chatted over video once, though oddly he never really showed his face. He instead focused on his surroundings during the call.
Still, she saw no red flags until 12 hours before he was supposed to arrive in Wyoming, and he suddenly went dark.
“A switch flipped, and he just started ghosting me,” said S.P., who asked to be identified by her initials.
Worse, the man began contacting her married friends on Facebook, wondering if they wanted to share sexual partners.
It was humiliating, she said, but more confusing than anything else.
This sudden change in personality and deception were foreign concepts to her. She’d always assumed people were who they claimed to be.
“He seemed like a super nice guy,” she said. “I was really hurt by it.”
Warning Labels
The man actually did move to Wyoming but didn’t stay long, she said. She has no idea what happened, nor does she care.
At that point, the 41-year-old decided she was done with dating.
As S.P. learned the hard way, in today’s dating climate dominated by apps, social media profiles and dating sites, single people often go on dates or enter into tentative relationships without much information about who they're meeting.
S.P. wished there had been some way to vet the guy or find other women she could have talked to about his character.
Then, she stumbled onto a TikTok video discussing a Facebook page called Are We Dating the Same Guy? (AWDTSG). The female-only, private Facebook group was a forum for women to share information about men they’ve dated or know.
Based on media reports, the first group was started in New York in March 2022 and quickly grew to cities and states throughout the United States.
After learning about the group, S.P. scanned Facebook to see if any such groups existed in Wyoming. They didn’t, so she created the Are We Dating the Same Guy 307 Facebook group in January 2023.
Tea And Red Flags
S.P. soon learned she’s alone in Wyoming.
Around the same time she started her group, another AWDTSG group popped up for the Cheyenne, Casper and Gillette areas. There’s also a group specifically for southwest Wyoming that was started in August as well as one for the entire state.
S.P.’s site is by far the largest, however, with more than 10,000 members.
Men also have got into the action with their own groups, including Are We Dating the Same Girl? 307 run by Axle (not his real name) in Green River. That one was just started in March.
The sites work under the same premise.
A person posts a photo of the man or woman they are either dating or interested in along with a first name and location. The poster then asks if there’s any “tea” (slang for dirt) or any “red flags,” typically using emojis.
Most post under anonymous profiles to protect their identities.
The responses vary widely in S.P’s AWDTSG group. Some responders may tell a woman to run, sharing their own personal horror stories with that particular guy, while sometimes calling out married or engaged men who are posting on dating apps under fake profiles.
Some post their comments publicly, while others ask the person to message them directly.
You’re Caught
Serial cheaters are often called out, as are those with known criminal pasts or histories of domestic violence.
In some instances, wives or girlfriends of a cheater thank the group for the information. Others become combative, denying the allegations and demanding posts be taken down.
In at least one instance, a man was called out for trying to “catfish” a woman, meaning luring her into a relationship using a fake online persona.
Other times women share tips for doing their own vetting and online investigation.
In many instances, the subjects receive rave reviews for being good guys and fathers while others receive no feedback, also a good sign.
Sometimes women post questions asking other women for dating or life advice.
In all, it’s like getting together with a roomful of women, most of whom genuinely seem to want to help other women.
The point is to provide a forum for women stay safe and avoid dating disasters, S.P. said, not to bash men for sport.
Rules Of Engagement
This is the biggest misnomer that S.P. would like to clear up about groups like hers: They aren’t a bunch of man bashers.
“Our mission here is not to hate on men, but to give women a safe space,” S.P. said.
And though women are free to share their opinions, they don’t have blanket immunity to say whatever they want.
In fact, the page is governed by a slate of rules to prevent posts from getting ugly.
Be kind and courteous.
• No commenting on a person’s looks, whether positive or negative.
• No hate speech or bullying.
• No sharing of contact or personal information.
• No slander, libel or defamation of character and no screenshots or sharing of posts outside of the group.
Victims of sexual assault and violence are likewise referred to law enforcement for reporting purposes, and they’re encouraged to be careful with what they post about their potential criminal cases.
Anyone who breaks the rules is at risk for being booted from the page by administrators.
Full-Time Job
As S.P. soon found out within a few months of launching the page, moderating comments and accepting new members quickly became a full-time job. Since she already has one of those, she put a call for help.
K.R., who also asked to be referred to by her initials, and two other part-time administrators stepped up to help. Much like S.P., she joined the group because she, too, was single and trying to date after being married for a decade.
“Dating was kind of a shock, and how deceptive people are,” she said.
She found the group useful in her own now-single life and wanted to help other women navigate this modern terrain.
“I’ve always been very protective of women in general, so that’s why I absolutely wanted to help,” K.R. said.
The extra hands and oversight were a godsend for S.P., who realized that she had let in too many people without properly vetting them, including some men who had slipped in under fake profiles.
K.R. immediately took charge and started deleting profiles and inappropriate comments.
“The page was a complete disaster,” S.P. said, “but K.R. came in and whipped it into shape and cleaned it up.”
K.R., who used to work for the Department of Family Services, put in a lot of investigative work when it comes to vetting profiles on the waiting list and comments made on posts to gauge for accuracy, sometimes asking the women for proof in cases like cheating spouses and other serious accusations.
It could easily be a full-time job, but both have to regulate their time and protect their own mental health as sometimes the drama on the page can be trying.
‘Pick Me Girls’
In some instances, women try to purposefully stir up drama and turn on one another as in the case of the “pick me girls,” as K.R. likes to call them.
These are the women who attempt to curry favor with men by screenshotting and sharing posts from the page in defiance of the rules.
The terms “pick me girls” comes from the popular television series “Grey’s Anatomy,” where Ellen Pompeo’s character, Meredith Grey, begged Patrick Dempsey’s character to choose her over his wife with the line, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.”
Not only is their behavior against the rules, but it can seriously put women at risk such as cases of domestic violence.
The administrators oust the “pick mes” immediately upon discovering their identities.
Ironically, in some cases, it’s the guys who rat out them out.
“We’ve had numerous guys message us and say, ‘Hey, so and so broke the rules of your group,’” K.R. said. “It’s wild to me.”
Dogs
Though some guys aren’t bothered by appearing in the group, others have messaged administrators to refute accusations.
In one instance, they took down a post after a guy gave them an impassioned plea, only for him to pop up again within the hour.
“Dudes are dogs, mostly,” said Axle Negdo, administrator of the male Facebook group vetting females.
He sympathizes with the women on the AWDTSG groups, of which his wife is a member.
At the same time, he said, women can be cheaters too, so he wanted to create a space for single men to vet women.
His group follows the same rules as the others, and to date there are just over 700 members and only a handful of posts mirroring those on the female group.
He also vets profiles carefully before allowing them in and also asks them to answer a series of questions that he requires users to respond to before he’ll let them join.
Like S.P. and the others, he thinks it’s only fair that single men in Wyoming also have the option to share insights and warnings about cheaters and women trying to manipulate or take advantage of men.
Amazing Community
For everyone running these pages, the experience had confirmed what they all feared – dating is a cesspool.
That said, these groups offer harbors in the storm for many and serve as supportive communities for others in the same boat. That’s been the most rewarding takeaway for both S.P. and K.R.
“Though we do have a few women that want to ruin everything, I think the majority of these women are just they're amazing,” K.R. said, “and they really are looking out for each other.”
S.P. agreed. It’s been surprising to her how many women rally around other women they’ve never met to offer support and kindness.
“It's amazing to see the women come together,” she said.
Jen Kocher can be reached at jen@cowboystatedaily.com.
