Rod Miller: Identity Theft in the Big Empty – A Solution

Columnist Rod Miller writes, "I’m not selling myself cheap! If you wanna be Rod Miller, you’ll need to open your wallet. If you are serious about acquiring my identity, then put your money where your mouth is."

Rod Miller

May 14, 20234 min read

Rod miller headshot scaled
(Cowboy State Daily Staff)

It seems as if we’re in the midst of an epidemic of hacking and identity theft, and each and every one of us is a potential target. Identity burglars are prowling our digital neighborhood looking for unlocked doors and windows. 

These crooks drool over our passwords, social security numbers, bank info, PIN numbers, and contact lists of our friends, not to mention all the selfies and pictures of cats and food that we keep securely hidden on our devices.

I’ve had numerous friends, in recent days, warn me that their social media accounts have been hacked and not to pay attention to what “they” have to say until they can get the problem fixed. 

Every few days, I get a request from someone I’ve known for a long time, asking to be added to my contacts when they’ve already been in there since dirt was warm. This is a sure sign that my real friend has been hacked by someone who wants to reach out to me about the exciting new government grant program that will make me rich without having to lift a finger.

One colleague had an identity burglar pretend to be her in the comment thread on an online news article and post a bunch of inflammatory stuff just to be cute. The potential damage to the credibility of a serious writer is obvious. 

Online identity theft is a real problem in this internet age. These crooks are tying to steal US! 

Lots of us respond by pontificating that the government must do something, and pronto. Maybe pass a law that would allow the amputation of the hands of identity thieves, like an internet Sharia law.

Internet and content providers try to sell users encryption programs, stouter firewalls and other fixes to keep nefarious lurkers out of our private business and our selfies out of their horny hands.

But everyone is missing the point.

Intense outside interest in our identities and expensive efforts to keep them safe only tell me one thing. Our identities have demonstrable value in the marketplace. Everyone else is trying to capitalize on that fact, so why don’t we? 

If it's worth stealing, it's worth selling!

Why isn’t there an open market, like a commodities exchange, where we can sell our identities, in arm’s length transactions between willing seller and willing buyer for a market-clearing price?

After all, we live in a capitalistic system that gives near godlike status to the open market. And the insurance industry has a century or so worth of expertise assigning a numerical value to a human life through actuarial tables.

So, instead of putting up with the angst of folks trying to steal our identities, we should simply sell ‘em. And who can’t use a little extra pocket money in these inflationary times?

I sure can, but I’m not selling myself cheap! If you wanna be Rod Miller, you’ll need to open your wallet. If you are serious about acquiring my identity, then put your money where your mouth is.

Here’s what you’ll get:

- an established and documented American persona, with

- a clean driving and arrest record, and

- no outstanding warrants, tort claims or paternity suits

- a valid social security number and social media presence

- I keep Good Dog Henry, but you get

- a bulletproof Little Black Book

All yours for three easy monthly payments of $33.333.34. Act now! Operators are standing by. If you call in the next thirty minutes, I’ll throw in a brand new set of steak knives!

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Rod Miller

Political Columnist