Dave Simpson: Let’s Turn Our Frowns Upside Down

in Dave Simpson/Column

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By Dave Simpson, columnist

Call me crazy, but I say any election that sees the resounding defeats of Charlie Flip-Flop Crist, Stacy Election Denier Abrams, and Beto Skateboard O’Rourke is a big victory.

A write home to Mom victory. A  partial tub thumping.

It’s enough to break out an actual bottle of wine, instead of the stuff that comes in a cardboard box.

Only Joe Biden could call probably losing control of the House of Representatives “a strong night for Democrats.” Yes Joe, and gas was $5 a gallon when you took office, there are 54 states, and your son Hunter is the smartest man you have ever seen. As we say in Wyoming, you betcha.

If the shoe were on the other foot, and our Democrat friends were about to retake the House, champagne corks would be popping throughout the mainstream media and there would be Conga-line dancing. They wouldn’t fret about the number of seats.

Joe’s strong night for Democrats was preceded by some blue-ribbon hyperbole – hyperbole more hyperbolic than any we encountered in high school algebra class. My favorite came from presidential historian Michael Beschloss, who predicted that if Americans voted for Republicans in a “red wave,” someone (he didn’t say who) would come to our house, arrest our children, and probably kill them.

To quote Dave Barry, “I am not kidding.”

Maybe now that Republicans have scored far fewer wins than expected, more like a red dribble,  our children will only be taken into temporary custody, and maybe just roughed up instead of killed. I certainly hope so.

To think, I used to take Michael Beschloss seriously.

Rep. James Clyburn of South Carolina said a Republican wave would be tantamount to Hitler taking over the country. Maybe the limp showing by Republicans will result in some lesser despot emerging, say a Benito Mussolini, a Fidel Castro, or a Papa Doc.

We were told by the hysterical Left that a red wave would mean “the end of Democracy.” But since the Democrats did much better than expected, maybe that old swayback nag Democracy still has a few good years left. I never could figure out how going to the polls and voting for the people I preferred could end Democracy, but even Congressman (not for long) Liz Cheney seemed to think the end was near.

So, the party that has opened our southern border to 5 million illegal immigrants, thinks spending trillions more is the way to curb inflation, wants to pack the Supreme Court, wants to do away with the filibuster, wants to forgive student loans without the approval of Congress, crippled our energy production and made us hostages to murdering oil-rich potentates, and stands by letting dangerous thugs right back out on the street, sometimes in mere hours – that party thinks we’re the threat to Democracy.

I don’t think so, Bullwinkle.

Not a problem, however, because the lack of a red wave, according to Vice President Kamala Giggles Harris, never materialized, and Democracy is “intact.”


The good news from last Tuesday is that we are a forgiving nation..

We learned that a white man wielding a shotgun can chase down a black man and hold him for police and still be elected to the United States Senate. And you can run over your wife’s foot with your car and still be elected to the Senate. (But, I don’t recommend it.) 

And if you’re a pro-life former football star with two ex-girlfriends who claim you paid for their abortions, you can challenge the senator who ran over his wife’s foot, and maybe replace him in the Senate. (That jury’s still out.)

Is this a great country, or what?

Three states  – Arizona, Nevada and California – were counting votes for the better part of a week. We should call them the Dim Bulb States, because they apparently have to take off their shoes and socks to count to 20.

Makes you wonder, doesn’t it, how “American Idol” can count millions of votes in the time it takes to go to the refrigerator and get a beer, but three states need a week to count votes.

I say we put Elon Musk in charge of counting the votes.

Who could disagree with that?

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