By Jim Hicks, columnist
Whoops! There went January, and Valentine’s Day is just a week away.
We couldn’t find any of the Bench Sitters who still give Valentines cards or candy to their wives, and only a few who planned on taking Grandma out for a hamburger.
This group spends a lot of time talking about local history, and any discussion of romantic times is history for these old boys.
They are aware the art of dating and wooing girls has changed a lot. They learned more than half the couples who end up getting married these days met or connected through those internet dating services or at least by meeting their spouse in some other electronic manner.
Old “Back When” tells us he decided to spend a few dollars to sign up for one of those dating services, but when he started filling out the “questionnaire” he ran into trouble. “Don’t have any chance of getting anyone to answer if you don’t lie on the questionnaire and have a photo taken at least 30 years ago,” he said.
Back When tells us he did read enough of them to figure out some of the language they use.
He says when women fill out the forms you need to know some “translations.” If they write–
–40-ish – it may well mean somewhere between 50 and 70
–Adventurous – Looking for anyone still alive
–Athletic – May have the body of a man
–Average looking – Ugly
–Contagious Smile – Her doctor prescribed mood changers
–Emotionally secure – Usually takes all her pills
–Feminist – Will be in charge of any relationship
–Free spirit – Should be on medication
–Friendship first – You might as well date your sister
–Fun loving – Annoying
–Open-minded – Desperate
–Outgoing – Loud and often embarrassing
–Professional – Dominator
–Voluptuous – On the heavy side
–Large frame – Even heavier
–Wants soul mate – Stalker
If written by a man the translation could mean:
–Lonely – Would scare flies off a dead cow
–Energetic – Needs tranquilizers
–Well rounded – Belt is longer that he is tall
–Loves outdoors – Does not shower regularly
–Intellectual – A “know-it-all” pain in the rear
–Loves fishing – You need to own a boat to qualify
–Avid hunter – He won’t be around at all in the fall
–Likes to travel – You better have some serious cash
–Seeks companionship – Can’t afford to pay his rent
–Hard working – Had five jobs in the last two years
Speaking of the internet, a Bob Walker sent us a story about an elderly Florida woman who was returning to her car in a grocery store parking lot and found four young men sitting in it. She assumed they were trying to steal her wheels and she was “packing” that day.
She dug the .25 caliber pistol out of her purse and yelled “GET OUT OF THE CAR!”
After they exited and ran for cover, she noticed another car of the same model and color a couple of spaces away. It was hers.
According to the story this lady reported the incident to the police immediately. They were in the process of taking a complaint about a “crazy white haired old woman with a gun.”
No charges were filed.
We know of a similar wrong car incident that happened late one night in Buffalo years ago, but we will save that story for later.
We hoped you survived that shot of cold this week and are warming up and smiling again.