By Rod Miller, columnist
It has been a year and a half since the State of Wyoming declared its independence and seceded from the United States. Rebels, led by the MAGA activist wing of the Wyoming Republican Party, seized the capitol in Cheyenne in early 2022 and declared Wyoming an independent republic.
The Articles of Secession proclaimed that “The State Formerly Known as Wyoming is now an independent republic governed solely by the laws of God and the Code of the West. Deal with it, snowflakes.”
Hangovers from the secession party had scarcely healed before the federal government closed all transportation routes into or out of Wyoming. Interstate power grids were seized and re-routed around the borders of the new republic and things got cold and dark in a hurry.
Cell phones and the internet ceased to work because of the blockade, and refineries shut down. In a candle-lit room in the capitol, the rebel leaders were discussing how to deal with this unexpected turn of events, when a shout was heard from the dark corridor, “They’re coming!”
Federalized National Guard troops and units of the 101st Airborne poured into Cheyenne to reclaim not just the city, but F.E. Warren Air Force Base and the nation’s nuclear deterrent. Some bureaucrat in the D.C. swamp apparently thought that it would be a bad idea to leave those assets in the hands of a redneck militia.
Out-manned and out-gunned, the rebels beat a disorganized retreat out of town, burning up what little gasoline they had left for their camouflaged SUVs. The first night’s bivouac in the rocks around Vedauwoo was a dispirited affair. The rebels didn’t anticipate this level of disrespect.
As it turned out, Meal Team Six and the rest of the middle-aged, overweight militia proved to be no match for the United States military, despite their store-bought tactical duds and their patriotic zeal.
Over the next few months, the rebels skulked around the Cowboy State trying to enlist new recruits. They had to travel on dirt roads, using fuel that they siphoned from school buses.
Fully expecting support from the populace, they held rallies in dark towns and expounded their secessionist doctrine. At first, they met a bit of acceptance in places like Dubois and Bill, but eventually all they encountered were hungry people sick and tired of eating prairie dogs and sugar beets.
“When will you bring us food and beer?”, the people shouted at them. “When will you get Facebook working again?” Handing out free copies of “The Collected Wisdom of Matt Gaetz” did nothing to mollify the crowds.
And the crowds grew decidedly smaller with time as the new republic leaked citizenry into adjoining states where things were more….normal, where kids could go to school and the bars were open.
It all started innocently enough, with the Wyoming GOP working hard to purge itself of any heresy that used the word “democracy” instead of “republic”, or espoused any form of society that wasn’t based upon rugged individualism. The populist message was well received. That is, until the takeover, and the subsequent empty grocery shelves.
Now the rebels were hounded by real soldiers into smaller and smaller pockets of rocks and trees. They huddled around their small campfires in tattered camo and tried to remember the words to “Ragtime Cowboy Joe”. Above them circled drones with infared sensors and armed with Hellfire missiles that knew just where they were.
In a last, desperate attempt to save themselves, the rebels broke into a department store in Rawlins and stole a couple of racks of cute summer dresses so that they could escape the federal blockade and make their way to safety disguised as women. Just like Jefferson Davis did.