Positive Thoughts While Staying Close To Camp . . .

in Column/Sagebrush Sven

By Sagebrush Sven, translated by Jim Hicks

The Bench Sitters have been trying hard to come up with positive thoughts during these days of “sheltering in place” – or as we were told back in the days of our youth — “YOU ARE GROUNDED!”

If you consider the poor people living in small apartments in the big cities, we really have good conditions. And we see a lot of people getting exercise by walking on local trails.

There is room to spare here so it’s easy to keep that six-foot space from others.

And the Bench Sitters don’t miss the news about the latest threats from North Korea, bad news from the Middle East and all the talk about extreme weather, climate change and a host of other worries that seem to be kept in front of us each day.

All that still exists, but the Covid-19 threat is closer and personal to each of us. Most of the Bench Sitters realize they wouldn’t be good candidates to survive this virus, so you don’t see many of them out and about these days.

To keep their sanity, people often try to use humor to make a bad situation more bearable. 

Some of the favorites collected by the Bench Sitters include—

 –They said a mask and gloves were all you needed to shop at the grocery store. They lied. Everyone else had clothes on.

 –Our thoughts and prayers go out to all those married men who had been telling their wives – “I’ll do that when I get time.” Even worse it’s time for the spring yard cleaning.

 –I used to give that toilet paper roll a spin like “Wheel of Fortune”, but now I move it like I was cracking a safe open.

 –We haven’t decided where to go for Easter.  Either the bedroom or the living room.

 –This is the first time I’ve had a chance to save humanity by laying on the couch in front of the TV.  Let’s not screw this up.

 –Just noticed the lady next door has stopped posting Facebook notes about her “awesome and wonderful” kids. She just discovered the problem was not with the teacher.

 –A month ago we worried about time change, full moon and Friday the 13th. We didn’t have a clue.

 –Now that everyone is washing their hands correctly . . . next we’ll work on turn signals.

 –We are three weeks from knowing everyone’s true hair color

 –Everyone says a baby boom will come in 9 months. How about divorces and justifiable homicides.

 –No toilet paper, so I bought dryer sheets.  No wrinkles in my butt anymore.

 —While everything is shut down maybe the city should pave some streets.

 –Gas is down to almost $2 a gallon, and we can’t go anywhere.

 –We are not all that bored, but wondered why one bag of rice has 7,456 kernels and another bag of the same brand has 7,398.

 –Told my husband to help stock-up on vital things from the store. Now we have 15 cases of beer in the garage.

 Not too much else to report this week other than ranchers may be wondering how the branding might go this year. Hard to wrestle caves and stay six feet apart.

 We join with everyone else in praying this pandemic soon starts to evaporate and we can start moving back to normal lives. 

SVEN

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