Pole dancers, ant poison, life insurance.
Avoid those three things and your spouse is less likely to kill you.
This is according to research I've been doing watching true crime reality TV shows since my family said I was watching too much news and politics on television.
Did you know you can watch true crime shows almost 24 hours a day? “Forensic Files” got me hooked, on the channel that used to be Headline News.
(My wife, who hates non-stop news, has instead been watching “The Amazing Dr. Pol” veterinary show for years. She loves it, and sometimes diagnoses our dog Mitch from what she's learned from Dr. Pol. But he has his whole arm up the south end of a cow far too often for my tastes.)
A warning here. If you're a person who has happy visions of perfect marriages and connubial bliss, true crime shows may not be your kettle of fish. These shows are dark.
One might think that having a successful career, a beautiful house and plenty of money might be the keys to happiness. But many seemingly successful husbands end up offing their spouses after falling for (wait for it)...
Pole dancers.
One frisky dentist dispatched his wife after falling in love with both his dental assistant and his physical fitness trainer. He tried to fake his wife's suicide, but left the gun by her right hand, when she was left-handed. Cops pick right up on stuff like that.
One show featured a doctor who finished surgery on one patient, rushed home and bludgeoned his wife to death, then hurried back to the hospital and performed surgery on the next patient. And he did it on Valentine's Day. Blood spatters on his expensive shoes, and blood on the inside of his shirt cuff, foiled his perfect crime.
Quite often the investigation shows the murderer listed as the beneficiary of the victim's unusually large life insurance policy, often recently increased. (This is what cops call “a clue.”)
My wife and I only had term insurance when the kids were little. So cashing in on insurance isn't a temptation. Even if we had policies, my wife is way too thrifty to pay premiums prior to shoving me off a cliff. So I'm probably safe.
(I reported on a murder east of Laramie once in which the cops found a life insurance policy covering the victim when they searched the suspect's mobile home in Indiana. The policy was right on the kitchen table. Guess who the beneficiary was.)
Another remarkable similarity is the number of spouses who kill their loved ones with ant poison – arsenic. It's a painful way to die, and these cases often involve repeated trips to the hospital for severe stomach pain. There are two sure signs that your spouse is the culprit: The sudden presence of ant traps in your house, and your spouse's sudden willingness to cook for you.
(I do the cooking at our house, so I'm probably safe here, too.)
In one instance, a philandering wife repeatedly dosed her sailor husband with arsenic at home, and even sent him ant-poison laced care packages when he was deployed. Pretty cold.
Another Jezebel had her newfound love lace her husband's beer with arsenic at their weekly bowling league night. Tasted kind of funny, he said, and sure enough, that night he was hospitalized. Later, as he recovered at home, she served him milk with a funny pink tint at the bottom of the glass. (Another clue!)
To be safe, if you're having stomach problems, and you spot ant traps in your house, don't let your spouse do the cooking. Especially if he or she recently upped your life insurance coverage.
These people all thought doing away with their loved one was the best solution to their problems. But take it from a guy who watches more reality TV crime than he probably ought to. You'll never get the blood sufficiently cleaned up, modern science is coming up with new methods all the time that can nab you 20 years from now, and the cops are a lot smarter than you think.
Bottom line: Divorce, while expensive, is preferable to life without parole.
One last thing:
Avoid pole dancers.
